While I am no Jedi Master, I am returning. February 1st will mark the end of my 12 week retreat in South America. As I stated in an earlier post, I came down here in order to take a break from the hectic world that surrounded me in Los Angeles, California. I wanted to dive deeper into my Zen practice and take some time to reflect on what conditioning I had been exposed to and how I can learn to live in a different relationship with that conditioning. Once I stripped away all the distractions of daily life, I was surprised to finally start to get to know my "self". Of course I am also open to the idea that there is no self.
The short of the story is that I joined the United States Marine Corps when I was in my 20's. This was a year before the tragic events of September 11th. I was trained as a Tank Mechanic and stationed in 29 Palms, Ca. In 2002 I deployed to the Middle East in order to invade the sovereign country of Iraq. I participated in the destruction of that country and the death of many of its citizens. At the time I was completely detached from the realities of Karma and the conditioning that had led me to that place. An indoctrination that had begun from childhood. It was not until I came back from a second deployment to Iraq that I really, truly questioned what I was doing in the Marine Corps and what our country was doing to our fellow human beings. This is when I found Buddhism. I was not guilted into this practice, but rather I was searching for something that made sense after so much senselessness.
I was given the book: "At Hell's Gates; A soldier's journey from War to Peace," a book by Claude AnShin Thomas, and I read it in a day. AnShin is a Vietnam Vet that later became a Zen Monk while on his own path of healing. I attended a retreat with AnShin later that year and after doing so, began studying with him and also seeking treatment for my PTSD.
The conditioning that I had experienced in the military, which led me down the path of dehumanization not only of others but of myself as well, has been one of the most difficult things to work with. It brought me anger, rage, frustration, revenge, and a plethora of other "negative" emotions. The fact that I had not identified them or recognized them earlier in my post military life made for some harsh times. It was not until I began to understand, accept and come to grips with these things that I could learn to live in a different relationship with my experiences and transform my life into something meaningful in pursuit of peace.
Now I go back to Los Angeles in order to figure out the next step in life. I will be taking care of some business, attending some appointments with doctors concerning my Traumatic Stress and then returning to South America for a sesshin with my teacher, Claude AnShin Thomas. I look forward to walking in mindfulness and paying attention to the moments between breath and step.
Much Care and Respect,
In Gassho,
St.John
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3 comments:
St. John, It is unfortunate that you fell victim to the propaganda of the imperialist military complex of the land where you were born. But St. John is a product of his conditioning. By attaching to these actions ignorance arises. At the same time you are very fortunate to have discovered the teachings of the completely enlightened one, Buddha. You are also most fortunate to have met a teacher who can understand the expirience you have went through. May you realize through your own wisdom that all things are impermanent, suffering and no-self.
Thank you TB. I can always count on you for some wise words.
Interesting post. I too have PTSD though for other reasons than war. It's apart of my overall diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder.
Anyway, I know several vets now that have turned to Buddhism and I seem to get many readers from the middle-east in areas where I know troops are stationed.
I hope that if they are reading my blog that they find some relief from the stress of the war. I am proud of you for finding the Buddha's path despite all that you have had to struggle with.
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