two left feet

can you end this transmission
before these cuts get deep
can you answer these questions
so i can get some sleep
the darkness hides my shadow
walking down this empty street
been tripping over my thoughts
like i've got two left feet

Lost in May

gimme just a minute of your time
so i know i wasnt wastin mine
youre so close yet so far away
and whats with, these silly games you play?

cause some get all the glory
and some just fall from grace
but the sound of one voice
still puts a smile on my face

and i cant revoke my promise
no i wont apologize for that
cause i still love you baby
and i want you back

i see your lips are movin
think their saying its the end
oh, but i just cant hear you
or at least ill pretend

cause you cant see me dying
and i know im not to blame
and i know this isnt cancer
but i swear it kills the same

and i cant revoke my promise
no i wont apologize for that
cause i still love you baby
and i want you back

tears fall on my pillow
in the emptiness that left
so take a moment and listen
as i close my eyes...(bereft)

gimme something

sun goes down like van gogh paints the night
as the sky become crystal clear
my thoughts turn to you as i stare at the stars
in this ocean thats fading from here
(to blue)
i should have known t'was too good to be true
cuz im always letting you down
just another hopeless romantic boy
that is stuck in this lonely ol' town

gimme something that i can hold onto
(just)gimme something thats real
i've been praying for a star to fall
and i dont want to have to call
so tell how it is that you feel
(just) tell me how it is that you feel

im really sorry if i let you down
that was not how this was supposed to be
and i fumble through the afterthought
cuz i dont know if i forgot
buts its kinda tough to be me
(said)its kinda tough to be me

i can hear your voice from behind the door
through the tears as you push me away
and its troubling to think about but i dont want to have these doubts
so tell me if you want me to stay
(just) tell me if you want me to stay

***

it's evening now and the suns going down
in this lonely tired ol' place
and ive turned my thoughts to you
cause thats all that i can do
an im longing just to look at your face

you know that i fell for you
im sorry now but thats the truth
its not like i had a choice
an im trying to figure out if its you that i cant live without
while im longing just to hear your voice

wells gone dry

Hey mister wont you gimme some water
To quench my thirst.
You see the wells gone dry some days ago
and i swear that this place is cursed.

The Soldier mans come into my land and caused my people to flee.
They burned down my city and bombed my home and killed my whole family.

Hey Soldier wont you gimme some water,
to quench my thirst.
He says "I got a job to do and it don't involve you so leave or i'll shoot you dead"

11:15 and it’s too late...

we were sitting there together...despite the stormy weather
they couldn't pull us apart...i knew your smile by heart.
n' i was so in love with you...n' you were so in love with me.
i could lose myself inside your eyes...thats the magic of your company.

and it's too bad
that this is just a photograph...
n' i wish that you could see
but these are just my memories

you know we really lost a good one...he could have outshined the sun
and the flood gates broke...and perhaps i misspoke
you see i didn't want to lose it...but you were so quick to judge
n' we didn't have to quit...it's just a matter of trust

i've picked up the peices...seems the hurtin' never ceases
wouldn't say that i can't live without....but it pains me to see your doubt.
so if we must part forever...you could have been kind
and said something sweet...before you left me behind

You could have given me
but one kind word
to think upon
while my heart was breaking...

(Thank you to James Garland and Thomas Otway for the inspiration.)

Zen and the Art of War Repair

Iraq War veterans are using Buddhist practices to make peace with themselves and the horrors of the

By Joe Piasecki

The war is not over for Hollywood resident Eric Estenzo. After coming home from Iraq, the former Marine is one of thousands of new veterans who carry crippling psychological wounds related to their participation in ultra-violence. Worst of all, even those of us who would call men like Estenzo heroes aren't making their lives any easier.

"I'm having to deal with the reality that I saw a lot of bad things. I'm having a tough time dealing with the civilian casualties," says Estenzo, 31.

"I feel like Americans, although they seem to be informed by the news, it's not a reality to them. I feel like most of these people in America feel like it's watching a movie, and when the movie ends, you leave and you're back at your normal life," he adds. "I don't want to tell people I'm an Iraq veteran, because immediately I'm bombarded with questions, especially the question of having to kill somebody. It's very frustrating, and it makes me very angry inside."

Matthew Howard, a 25-year-old from Boston who recently served with a Marines tank battalion, also finds it difficult to relate to those back home. Like Stinzo, he is suffering from symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder, commonly known as PTSD and affecting as many as one in six Iraq vets, according to a recent Defense Department study. In February, the Journal of the American Medical Association found an even more startling statistic - that 35 percent of Iraq veterans have already sought mental health services.

"You know, on TV, how you see the flashbacks and the nightmares? That is actually very real and it has happened. Mine is more like general sadness. My heart breaks every time I turn on the news. My eyes just water up," says Howard.

In an attempt to deal with the scars war has left on their lives, these veterans and more than a dozen others attended a retreat last weekend at the Zen Center of Los Angeles led by Claude Anshin Thomas, a Vietnam veteran who was awarded the Purple Heart and Distinguished Flying Cross, yet found Zen Buddhist practices the only way to adjust to life after war.

After leaving Vietnam in 1967, Thomas suffered from debilitating PTSD symptoms that caused him to turn to alcohol and drugs, eventually even leaving his wife and son. In the late 1980s, he pursued Zen teachings after attending a retreat with famed monk Thich Nhat Hanh, and in 1995 he became a Zen monk.

As described in his book, At Hell's Gate: A Soldier's Journey from War to Peace, PTSD had wracked him with memories of exploding bombs and dead children, leaving him alienated from society and uncomfortable with himself. In fact, he says now, combat veterans are forever changed by the horrors of war, and only through confronting trauma, as he teaches through meditation and other disciplined spiritual practices, can they recover any sense of normalcy.

"There is no going back. It's like Alice in Wonderland, stepping through the looking-glass. We're forever affected. We have to learn to adjust to our life. In the process of waking up to how we've been affected, the consequences of that are absolutely phenomenal," he says.

"What I understand is healing is impossible without going through that suffering. What I'm attempting to do is create a safe space where that information will start to become accessible to them," he adds.

Jeff Key, a 40-year-old Marine living in Hollywood and now attending his second retreat with Thomas, says he was initially a skeptic, but found Zen techniques of calm, deliberate action very helpful in working through the pain.

"I had some reservations that it was going to be proselytizing for Buddhism, but it's not about that. It's about meditation and mindful living. Even our meals are done with a measure of reverence. We chew each bite and sit in silence. I eat so many meals standing over my kitchen sink, it's embarrassing to admit," says Key, who helped organize the Zen Center retreat as head of the Mehadi Foundation, which he created to help vets with PTSD and related issues. Those practices "helped me deal with feelings of anger and sadness about this war," he says.

For retreat participant and Vietnam veteran Bill Butler, a 61-year-old from Altadena who was drafted into the Army in 1969, the challenges faced by those returning from Iraq parallel his own experience. "Those things are always with me," he says of the memories of war. "I don't have dysfunctional flashbacks, but they come up at odd times."

Butler, a retired manager with the L.A. County Office of Emergency Management, says the most troubling experiences, which he found he shared with one recent vet, are encounters with the civilian population. Whether searching villages in the jungle or raiding homes in the desert, "We were going in with all of our power and intimidating and using force to disrupt the daily lives of people in their homes. He and I shared a certain sense of guilt over that kind of mission."

Dealing with feelings of guilt is a major part of healing, says Thomas. He also teaches that those back home whose lifestyles promote conflict are more responsible than soldiers for allowing war to happen.

"The more we have, the less somebody else has, which creates suffering, which feeds that cycle of war, violence - and just because I listen to National Public Radio and Democracy Now! doesn't mean I'm really doing anything to change the circumstances of war. If I want the world to be different, I have to live differently," Thomas says.

"That's where a lot of my anger, resentment, and bitterness came from. With coming back home, I felt so much anger towards these people. Whether it was justified or not. So I just chose to move," says Howard, who now lives in Canada because of American support for the war and the Bush administration.

For his part, Thomas sees himself not as a leader, but as a facilitator of methods that allow people to engage their own experience.

Another type of immersion- or exposure-style therapy, meanwhile, is being embraced by government officials for treatment of PTSD. The Office of Naval Resources has funded researchers at USC's Institute of Creative Technology to develop virtual-reality programs that can be used to help victims of PTSD confront the sights, sounds, and even smells of their traumatic experiences. Two such treatment facilities were installed last month at Camp Pendleton and the Naval Medical Hospital in San Diego, according to Skip Rizzo, a psychologist with the institute.

By slowly introducing a patient to a virtual reality situation - starting behind the wheel of a Humvee on a desert road, then adding in smoke, producing the odor of burning rubber, introducing the sound of bullets and helicopters above - "eventually they habituate, or the fear extinguishes. They're in that environment and nothing bad happens. The emotional response becomes less and less anxiety-provoking," says Rizzo.

Thomas likens that idea to his own healing practices. "When I talk about healing, I talk about learning to live in a different relationship with how we've been affected," says Thomas, who nonetheless expresses distrust for government programs and intentions. After all, it is government that runs the mechanisms of war. Ultimately, coming to grips with trauma is about self-empowerment, a handicap becoming an asset.

"One of Claude's big things is that your story needs to be told. I have a new sense of purpose to go home to my family and tell them exactly what I've seen," says Howard. "They need to hear exactly what happened, and I'm ready to do that after this weekend."

A great loss...

On February 9th, 2008, my friend Steve Clark was murdered in the parking lot of a club in North Hollywood, California. From that moment forward, my life has drastically changed. It is still difficult for me to accept the fact that he is gone. Not only did I lose a great friend, but I lost a part of my life. Steve had impacted my life in so many ways. He helped me to stay sober, he was the most dependable friend I have ever had, and he introduced me to people that I love very deeply. There are so many more things to say about Steve but I feel that nothing will really do justice to expressing the huge loss that his death brought. I will probably add to this post in the future, but I just wanted to pay homage to a great friend who will always live on in spirit. We may leave our flesh bodies behind, but our energy will always continue to exist. Steve is alive in all those who were touched by his love and graciousness.