Maybe this time

I have never been good at this blogging thing. I think it is just something that has to fit your personality, and although I certainly spend a lot of time on the computer, I am also a forgetful person that never remembers to do things like blog, or where the heck I put my keys, wallet, mind. So, a lot has changed in the many months since I last posted. My 2.5 year relationship ended sometime in December/January. What a great way to start the year (not!). And in my downward spiral of self-blame and pity, I decided it was time for a break. A major break. School, and all the pressures that come with it, have effectively created so much stress and chaos in my life, that I couldn't maintain even a relationship with someone that I cared about and loved. So, with my mother on the other side of the country and dying of cancer, I have decided to embark on a journey. A soul searching type of trip. I am packing up the car with the "kids" (read dogs) and heading out across country to visit a few friends and family along the way, search for some adventure and some meaning, and just see if I can figure some things out. I am just in a place right now where not much is making sense and I need to reconnect with "me", or be a little more mindful and a lot more present in the here and now. So, hopefully I can do a daily log of my trip and someone may stumble upon it and either be inspired or laugh or whatever may happen. This is day one: Clean the house, prep the car, pack, make arrangements with the roommate and then... TO THE WINDS.

Autumn Colors

Looks like we are lucky if I blog once a year! Well, I guess that is one thing I can be consistent with.

The challenges of being a busy student, a veteran with PTSD, an avid procrastinator and an amateur philosopher seem to devour all my time. Perhaps this blog should just be about those struggles, and trying to find my way in Zen and yoga along the way.

Lately I have had serious contemplations about giving up. Not so much as giving up on life, but giving up on school and having aspirations. I am feeling defeated. I know it isnt easy to do what I am attempting to do (attain a PhD in Astrophysics), but sometimes it is just so hard that I literally want to just throw in the towel. Reflecting on being 31 years old and feeling like I have not accomplished much has been quite draining. I certainly need a vacation from this bullshit, 3-ring, circus sideshow.

So the meditation and yoga was set aside. And during that time I noticed things began to deteriorate. I can say without a doubt in my mind that meditation and yoga work for veterans with PTSD and other related issues.

So, time to get back to it. Thanks to Jorge for helping me realize how important it is...

Direct Encounter

I have never been a consistent blogger. But, with all that has happened, I will attempt again to blog here, if for no other reason, than to journal my life as an outlet.

I have blogged before about the loss of a close friend of mine. Steve Clark was murdered in February of 2008 outside of a music venue in Los Angeles. For months his murderer was on the run in Mexico, but eventually the law caught up with him and brought him in.

Monday, the murder trial begins, and I will be sitting in a courthouse seeing the face of the man who stabbed Steve all that time ago.

The memory of Steve is still so vivid. His larger than life persona a complex collection of experiences and ideas. Steve had gone through many things in his life, including drug addiction and alcoholism, but he had made a serious decision to stay sober and to be a father to his young daughter. He shared his dreams with me, about starting a business, a music venue, and living a fulfilling life. Steve was willing to put it all out there for his friends, and he worked hard at his job to right the injustices that our military veterans faced upon their discharge from service.

I am not sure what will happen, but I know that justice will be served, in whatever way that comes.